Chapter 7 : A Piece of a Whole
I have given it up. I stopped going on Blacks4Boys.com. Every since I have met Nathan Thomas at Roy’s surprise party, I have grown out of it. I heard all the time from Roy,
“Jackson,” he would say when he is serious, “You need to delete your account. I deleted mine. There is little to no chance you will ever find a real relationship from there.”
I would blow him off. Who said I want a relationship right then. Hell right then I wanted a wet mouth, tight ass, of throbbing dick to ease me over. But then Nina would chime in with her words of hurt,
“Sometimes, you can be compared to a motel with hourly rates. It's clear what you're all about and very few of your guests can hold their heads high after a visit.”
But being the person that I am— JJ— I did not listen, until I met Nathan.
Nathan and I have really grown close. He has great conversation and he is even better to look at. I find him refreshing on the whole. The only draw-back is he is HIV positive. So I became abstinent.
I now understand the shakes crack addicts and cigarette smokers go through. An addiction is an addiction and it is hard to let go. I have run through every porn available, from here to the secret hills in China.
Do not get me wrong, I view Nathan as my friend and as such I started to take his words and advice to mind. I knew my wild ways were risky, and him being my motivation I wanted to cut back. There is no point to lie, this is frustrating not to have run a hole through you, or tackle someone’s back side, but I have found more substance in mental stimulation and conversation.
I called Roy to try and validate my thought process as far as rules of dating goes. I started to get the impression that Nathan thought we were a couple just because we hung out every day. We went over the questions of dating:
• How do you know you’re on a date?
• How deep is too deep for first date conversations?
• Who pays? Who is obligated?
• When do you notify other people you may be dating, that you’re going exclusive?
• How do you turn someone down?
In our conversation we got into some deep politics of rights and wrongs of people’s feelings and the message I may want to get across. We both agreed direct approach is best.
I was a little hurt to hear Kennedy and Roy still were on the passively-speaking phase. I wondered if they would come around. I had to get back on the dating scene. So I got on that god old site, Blacks4Boys.com and arranged a date. After a low waving conversation and a meal, which I paid for grudgingly, we went back to my place, and had sex. It was anticlimactic. I did not feel emotionally involved, it was like I was washing dishes or cutting the grass. It was just a work event, with no emotions in it, just a dull expression of nonchalant.
After he left, and I washed and disinfected. I felt a certain amount of discontent. It was time to level with Nathan. I went over to his place. I broke the ice of how I viewed he, and I as friends, and how I just wanted to clear the air of any misunderstanding. I told him how I appreciated his conversation and viewpoints. I did not want to lose him as a friend, but I wanted clarity.
He broke down and threw a plate. I realized that I was happy I came to his place. He just cried and said,
“It’s because I’m HIV positive.”
I just disagreed and grabbed my belongings and left.
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